Bourik with TDN Mob

Bourik (BOS) recently loaded up for a trip to Trou du Nord in the Northeast of Haiti and ran across some of the sharpest Haitians yet. A ruthless band, fearless but cautious, otherwise they’d never have made it as far as they have in this life (ages 6-10 perhaps). With some of the most sophisticated survival tactics, bizarre superstitions and successful parental tricks known to Haitians these cats enlightened Bourik. Beterson aka Baby, Carl aka Carlanji, Mac aka Snory, Noel Dave aka Bekàn, Yves Marie aka Lachay took the reins and lead Bourik on a journey. Here it is.

Beterson: You know you shouldn’t leave grease in your mouth before you go to bed.
BOS: Why is that?
Beterson: Because the cockroaches will come and eat your mouth at night.
BOS: Of course. (In disbelief)
Beterson: You know you are blan and we are Haitian and there are things we know that you the blan don’t.
BOS: Absolutely. Would you mind sharing with me what some of those things might be? These things that you know that I don’t.
Beterson: Yes. If you see a Mosquito in your house you should spray him with Insecticide. This way he will never come back.
BOS: Of course because you killed him.
Beterson: Yes, because he no longer has feet.
BOS: Tell me something else I wouldn’t know. But wait a minute I’m going to get a pen and paper.
Beterson: Don’t spend too much time in the sun because if you do you’ll turn black like a Haitian.
BOS: And if I turn black like a Haitian and I want to return to my white color what should I do?
Noel Dave: You should stay out of the sun. And then you will return to being white.
BOS: And what else should I not do?
Noel Dave: Don’t go out in the rain and then in the sun because you will get sick.
BOS: Ok good. What else?
Mac: If you were Haitian you would beat us right now.
BOS: Why would I beat you?
Mac: Because we are annoying you.   
BOS: OK. I’ll try not to beat you. Tell me something more like the first thing you told me, the thing about the grease and the cockroaches.
Noel Dave: If you don’t wash your hands after you eat and then go to bed the mice will come and eat your hands. And if you don’t brush your teeth before you go to bed the mice will eat your teeth too.
BOS: That is very important so brush your teeth and wash your hands often. And is there anything else?
 Carl: If you need to hold onto an ant all you need to do is put a little syrup down for him.
BOS: Why would you want to hold onto an ant?
Carl: So you can play with him!
BOS: Of course.
Carl: What you do is take the syrup and make a circle with it in your hand. Then you put the ant in the middle of the ring of syrup on your palm. And he’ll stay there and play and he won’t bite you.
BOS: Very good stuff Carl, very good stuff.
Mac: If you want to attract a snake just put Moonshine on the ground.
BOS: Why do snakes like moonshine?
Mac: I don’t know but I saw a man do it once. Well actually I didn’t see if but he was selling snake oil and he told me that is how he catches the snake.
BOS: Why was the man selling snake oil? What is it for?
Mac: For pain. As a painkiller.
BOS: Would it help for that huge bump on Lachay’s head?
Beterson: No, that’s an onion on his head.
BOS: An onion? Who planted an onion on his head?
Beterson: I think it was his dad but I can’t say for sure.
Lachay: Lie!
BOS: Ok what else wouldn’t I know that you as Haitians would?
Beterson: If you are walking down the road at night don’t let the devil block your path because then he can eat you.
BOS: Ok. Thanks. Hold on while I write this down. Ok.
Beterson: Or he can make you into an animal that has a really hard life and is forced to carry heavy loads.
BOS: Like a donkey?
Beterson: Yes or like a dog, that is worse.
BOS: Woosh.
Carl: At night don’t throw rocks at dogs.
BOS: Why?
Carl: Because if the dog is in front of you and you throw a rock it can disappear or burst into flames. And when it disappears it will return as a werewolf behind you and before you know it its hands will be around your neck.
BOS: That would be awful. A werewolf. Thank you very much for that information. You guys are all lucky to be alive. I gotta get some rest.    
fobi dan ou
Beterson: Fò ou pa kite gres nan bouch ou anvan ou domi.
BOS: Poukisa?
Beterson: Paske ravet ap vin manje bouch ou.
BOS: Menwi. (Enkwayab)
Beterson: Ou konnen gen bagay ou pa konnen paske se blan ou ye e nou se Ayisyen.
BOS: Absolutman. Eske ou ka di m yon kek lòt bagay? Bagay ou konnen ke m pa konnen?
Beterson: Wi. Si ou wè yon marengwen nan kay ou fò flite li avek Baygon. Lè sa a li pap janm tounnen.
BOS: Menwi paske ou te touye li.
Beterson: Wi, paske li pa gen pye anko.
BOS: Di mwen yon lòt bagay m pa konnen. Men tann mwen. Map jwenn yon plim e papye. Ok.
Beterson: Pa pase twop tann nan soley a paske si ou fè sa a wap vin nwa kom yon Ayisyen.
BOS: E si mwen vin nwa kom yon Ayisyen e mwen vle vin blan anko koumann map fè sa a?
Noel Dave: Fò ou pa nan soley a epi wap tounen blan.
BOS: E kisa m pa fè anko?
Noel Dave: Pa mouye ko in nan lapli epil al nan soley a.
BOS: Byen. E kisa anko?
Mac: Si ou te Ayisyen ou ta bat nou kounye a.
BOS: Poukisa m ta bat ou?
Mac: Paske nap anniye ou.  
BOS: OK. Map eseye pa fè sa a. Di mwen yon bagay kom ou di deja sou gres e ravet yo.
Noel Dave: Si ou pa lave men ou lè ou fin manje e anvan ou domi sourit ap vin manje men ouIf you don’t wash your hands after you eat and then go to bed the mice will come and eat your . E si ou pa fobi dan ou anvann ou domi sourit ap vin manje dan ou tou.
BOS: Sa a se tre enpòtan donk fobi dan ou e lave men ou souvan. E pa genyen anyen anko?  Carl: Si ou bezwen kenbe yon foumi ou jis mete yon ti siwo.
BOS: Poukisa ou ta vle kenbe yon foumi?
Carl: Pou ou ka jwe avek li!
BOS: Men wi.
Carl: Sa ou fè, ou mete ti siwo a nan men ou kom yon sek. Epi ou mete foumi a nan sek siwo a. E lap ret la pou jwe e li pap mode ou.
BOS: Bon bagay Carl, bon bagay.
Mac: Si ou vle rale yon koulev ou met yon kleren sou tè a.
BOS: Poukisa koulev renmen kleren?
Mac: M pa konnen men m te wè yon neg fè l. Men m pat vreman te wè l men li tap vann lwil koulev e li di m konsa li ka rale koulev yo.
BOS: Poukisa neg sa a tap vann lwil koulev? Poukisa li ye?
Mac: Pou doulè. Ou mete l pou doulè.
BOS: Eske li tap ede pou sa a sou tèt Lachay?
Beterson: Non, sa a se yon zonyon sou tèt li.
BOS: Yon zonyon? Kiyes te plante yon zonyon sou tèt li?
Beterson: M panse se te papa li men m pa si.
Lachay: Monti!
BOS: Ok, kisa anko m pa konnen m Ayisyen ap konnen?
Beterson: Si ou ta mache sou wout la nan nwit la pa kite djab bloke ou sou wout la paske li ka manje ou.
BOS: Ok, mèsi. Tann mwen lè m ekri sa a. Ok.
Beterson: Oubyen li ka tounen ou kom yon bet ke lavi yo di e fòse yo pote anpil chay.
BOS: Kom yon bourik?
Beterson: Wi, oubyen kom yon chen, sa a pi mal.
BOS: Men wi.
Carl: Pa voye wòch sou chen nan nwit.
BOS: Poukisa?
Carl: Paske si chen sa a devann ou e ou voye yon wòch li ka disparet oubyen fè difè. Epi lè li disparet li ka tounen kòm yon lougawou deye ou epi ou pap konnen epi lap met men li sou kou ou komsa.
BOS: Sa a pa ta bon. Donk, mèsi anpil pou enfòmasyon sa a. Ou tout se neg ki gen chans nan lavi ou. M pral domi.